Road Trip

They say that variety is the spice of life, and there may be some truth in that slightly overused quotation. Something a little different can often have a positive impact so it was with plenty of excitement but also a little trepidation that we set out on a road trip on Friday.

With just the two of us in the car we drove up (or should that be across?) country towards the Welsh border, along motorways, A roads and plenty of little country lanes full of puddles and winter mud. The car was filthy by the time we arrived but the sun shone and the countryside looked green and the bare trees stood out against the deep blue sky. We passed fields of cattle and sheep and row upon row of fruit trees waiting for spring to arrive to bring them to life.

From the moment we set out, with our daughter, her partner and a friend in the other car, it was almost adventure-like. We had a break at a motorway service station and even raced a little once we left coffee, bacon rolls and Burger King chips behind, to see who could get to the hotel first.

We won.

But the really good thing about Friday was the reason for our adventure. We were going to a funeral. The funeral of someone who had just died from cancer.

Let me explain.

Funerals can be pretty emotional events. This was the funeral of someone close, but not too close, to our immediate family. He had been suffering from cancer for a while, but was given just months to live at the end of last summer. Sadly, after an emotional Christmas, he passed away in the first few days of the new year.

I am sure that this hit my wife quite badly.

So when I say that this was a good thing, what I mean is that we had to face some cancer related reality, but in a place where there was company and no time to overly dwell on personal feelings or worries. It was sad. People cried, including my wife. But she offered support and sympathy to the wife of the bereaved and got to chat to a lot of people, some of whom she had not seen in years and some she was meeting for the first time. And what could have been difficult became a mixture of learning (what they did which she would not want to do when / if it happened to her) and a "pleasant in the circumstances" social event.

She even got to meet someone who had been through two separate bouts of cancer and was living a fantastically positive and happy life herself. I think that reminder really helped.

There was plenty of talk in the car on the journey home, but positive comments and thoughts rather than the sort of thing I was fearing. She was happy in discussing the sad situation but avoided some of the usual pitfalls that we seem to experience at home.

In fact the only difficulties we had were with her navigation and my driving!

So there were positives all over the place which is a great thing for me to be writing today. Being outdoors, even if it was mostly in a car, gave us that connection with nature which seems to improve moods almost without fail. And the idea of a simple adventure like a road trip with friends and family offered up some childlike fun which was welcomed by all. The biggest positive however was that a weekend of sadness, and in particular cancer-related sadness, was met with a positive and realistic response rather than a nudge into a downward spiral of introspection and worry.

I think we need to run away from life and have fun like this more often.

Joy into the World

I have spent some time today thinking about what I should share in this post. Perhaps a summary of the few days since my last post, or of the weekend just gone or just how things have been since the visit to the hospital last week. Whatever I do though is going to have to reflect a number of ups but also a few downs.

On the positive side, some of my plans for the weekend worked out well. We took a long walk out into the countryside in the sunshine on Saturday. It was freezing cold but the blue skies and exercise made a lot of difference and there was some positivity in the air. Sunday was a family day out. Three generations got together to visit someone's new house and then down to a pub by the river for a roast dinner. A very civilised and fun way to spend a lazy day and both were great ways to bring some joy into our world.

Sadly, there was a downside.

Whilst the majority of the walk was great, emotions appeared part way through and suddenly the fun was gone. And last night, after a relaxing dinner and pleasant chat about what we had got up to, the emotions reappeared and I was unable to say or do anything without it being challenged or misunderstood. Tears and criticism of me were both generously shared.

This is not uncommon. I understand that when people are upset and scared and feel threatened they often hit out. And it's frequently at the expense of the person closest to them. But it is never easy to take.

I did try to explain, rationally, that whilst I appreciated how difficult it was for her it was also tough for me. When the situations calmed down I genuinely believe that this was taken on board.

It has only been 6 days since the last operation so it is still early. There is still some pain and plenty of stitches causing irritation and one unpleasant instance of a nightmare clearly influenced by her illness. But it could have been far worse.

So a mixed few days, but I will end on the positives. Sunshine, laughing relatives and a pub lunch were all good and encouraged plenty of smiles.   

Perversity

Surgery day today.

All went well and, despite some unpleasant news about anaesthetics not being effective enough, there was relief and smiles.

So why am I feeling so down?

I am making plans for the weekend and have one or two good ideas up my sleeve but I have this overriding sense of depression. In a slightly perverse way it would appear that today our roles have reversed somewhat. And that I don't understand.

A beginning?

So where to start?

I guess I should make it clear right at the start that this is not a blog encouraged by any resolutions left over from the New Year. Far from it in fact. All resolutions have been suitably considered, agreed and then discarded by now. But anyone noticing the date on this first post will understandably assume otherwise.

So what is this all about?

I guess it will become clearer with each post but this is something I have been planning to do for a while now.

In October 2014 my wife was diagnosed with cancer. Surgery, radiotherapy, chemotherapy all followed. Last month, in December 2016 she was diagnosed with a different kind of cancer.

Further treatment, more surgery (with more to come) and an almost endless stream of hospital appointments suitably re-appeared.

But one thing didn’t appear.

No one was able to provide me with a handbook on how to cope with your wife getting ill. Well, of course there were leaflets and all kinds of handouts provided by all kinds of well meaning people and hospitals and doctors. And no doubt there are plenty of people who have documented their thoughts about what to do in similar circumstances. But I just couldn’t find anyone who was able to tell me that they had been through it before or was able to describe what it would feel like and, more importantly, how to cope with someone who keeps thinking they are about to die.

And secondly, it was also about what disappeared. A sense of happiness. With the occasional appearance of a certain kind of hysterical black humour excepted, a feeling of fun or laughter or joy suddenly because elusive.

I can hear you saying, no great surprise really, and you would be right.

I don’t want to write a handbook for men who have wives who get ill. I don’t want to write a cancer sufferers joke book. In fact, as I suggested earlier, I have been putting this off for over two years since the thought first crossed my mind. After all, it’s hardly the sort of thing anyone would chose to read unless, well, unless you found yourself in a similar situation I guess.

But I wanted to see if I could make some kind of concerted effort to bring humour, fun and plenty of kindness into a difficult situation. I wanted to see if we could find a new focus and to put a smile on the face of my wife and to maybe, just maybe, release some of the stress and pressure that has been sitting over me for a little over two years. So perhaps this is all about searching for the elusive sense of happiness at a time when it is most needed.

And here I am. I am hoping that health wise things will improve. Of course I do. But I am also hoping that maybe we can have a little fun and a bloody good laugh along the way.

So this may be worth reading. It may not. I don’t care all that much to be honest (sorry) but I am going to do it anyway. So, anyone know a good joke?