I'm Here All Week

I have been doing some reading lately. Nothing too deep but all part of my ongoing research into finding out whether others in a similar situation feel the same way. Affirmation or something along those lines. It is possible that I may be turning into my wife and doing exactly what I tell her not to do when she loses perspective and spends too much time on line. I remain hopeful however that my actions are completely natural for the circumstances.

Whatever the justification, I am once again able to confirm that there is worrying little information available on this subject. I have however found one article that I was able to identify with. It is short and simple but briefly mentions the writers feeling of invisibility as a partner of a cancer sufferer. I have included a link below for reference. I should add that whilst I would not compare the seriousness of my situation to the one described, I do understand and connect with some of the sentiment shared.

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/caring-for-my-sick-husband-i-am-going-through-untold-suffering/article19163110/

The good news at the moment is that whilst our holiday has ended and we are home and back at work, the positivity remains in place. My wife is more relaxed, happier in general and is laughing at my jokes again. Whilst a career as a stand-up remains unlikely, it is good to see that my very limited audience has returned!

http://loddonmillarts.co.uk

She Called This Idyllic

Today was a good day.

The sun shone. The sky was blue. The birds sang and we met a lovely little cat that made friends with us and didn't want to leave us alone.

The difference a few days can make.

The difference a holiday can make.

We seem to have moved so quickly to this situation that I can barely remember last week. I suspect that I am blocking a lot of things out but without doubt this is a good place to be.

We are staying in a little cottage somewhere in deepest Cornwall. The last couple of days have been glorious and between visits to beautiful little villages and never-ending sandy beaches our world has been calm and happy. It took a little while to find the level we are now at, but that's probably understandable. The most important fact is that we reached it.

I think the timing of this break has been perfect. We needed some time away from the pressures of everyday life. We have talked about health, of course, but there have been plenty of other things to chat about also. I have been careful about what I have said and have not made any comments about negativity. This has also helped.

But I think the main thing is being away from home and all the things that seem to be associated with it. It's a complete mind-change and for both of us this has been important.

My wife said tonight that she didn't want to go home. She called this idyllic. As I write this the sun has just gone down and we can hear the sounds of farm animals in the distance. We have listened to the radio most evenings and have not even turned on the television or caught up with family and friends. Right now this is about as far away from home and illness as we can get and for that I am very grateful.

I Wish I Could Have Handled It Differently

I have not written or posted here for a while. There is, of course, a reason for that.

There are times in life when you can do no right, no matter how hard you try. Sadly, the last few weeks have given me reason to think exactly that on a few occasions. There have been some good moments but things have also been difficult at times. I therefore want to try to get this down in writing as fairly as I can in order to help understand the situation and how best to deal with it.

I had better start by explaining that there have been more health issues over recent weeks. Thankfully not cancer, but other things that are proving to be debilitating. These are causing stress and concern as you would imagine and have involved a number of trips to doctors and hospitals. Unfortunately this has also caused the general mood in our lives to become more depressed and this is almost certainly the cause of our difficulties.

Despite some of my previous posts here, I fear that my wife is starting to become more defined by her poor health. The positivity that she has shown at times is becoming less and less frequent. In my opinion, and of course that is completely subjective, her default position is more often one of general unhappiness and disappointment with a lot of things around her. The main topic of conversation is mostly health related and she has become obsessed, again, with reading all she can on line about her latest illness.

I am conscious that this does not sound good and I want to be accurate in everything that I write. There are times when she appears fine. That's good. But it feels as if there are more times now when she does not seem to be fine. At times like this she can slip into a negative way of thinking about many things and I strongly suspect that this has become a habit and she is not even aware that it happens. Even though we have discussed it frequently, it continues. I suspect that I have also developed a habit in response. I hear the negativity and my automatic response is to find something positive to share and to highlight the negative comments I believe that I am hearing. This is rarely successful.

It is important for me to be clear at this stage. I do not have a great history of positive thinking myself. There have been many times when I have been told about this and it is rarely easy for me to accept. However, one of my methods of coping with the ongoing health issues of my wife has been to try to develop an air of positivity as much as possible and to consider a stoic view of life and the world around me. Whilst they are not exactly the same thing, I have found that it helps me to cope with the challenges that we have experienced over recent years. If someone is down or a situation does not go well then I try to find good things wherever I can.

Last week everything exploded. I have to take some of the blame for this. I wanted to raise my concerns, point out the negativity and to try to put a smile on her face. Of course, the stoic view of this is that I am unable to control anyone else's feelings and should simply look after my own. By interfering and pointing out what I was seeing I have offended and upset her. This was never my intention but it happened. When raised, the points were denied and were deflected back at me as is usual in situations like this. And it was done so with a lot of anger and emotion.

Yes, it is easy to upset someone when you are trying to highlight behaviours that you think they need to be aware of. It is also easy to upset someone when they are angry and unhappy with the world. In fact, as I have already written here, anything that I say or do at times will cause upset and anger. I accept that is the lot of living with someone who is ill and often vulnerable and scared. It doesn't make it easy though.

I wish I had handled it differently. I have pointed out the perceived negativity often but it rarely seems to be taken on board. I am now unsure of the best way to discuss my concerns and fears without causing offence. Maybe the best thing to do is nothing. But somehow that feels like a complete cop-out and also something that could fuel the fire when the anger next returns.

I suspect that a deterioration into a negative and unhappy way of looking at life is easy for people with long term illness. I also know that moaning about everything in life is what many perfectly healthy people do anyway. But it still feels like an issue that I need to find a way to help with.

The biggest challenge for me is how to let her know in a way that does not offend. It would appear that this is not something that I am very good at it.

There is no doubt that the situation has calmed a lot since last week. I would like to think that she is able to see and feel that this is not all about me being unfair and misunderstanding her. I am also aware that I am not the perfect partner and that my personality and choice of approach has often not helped. But it has put a strain on both of us and that is not good.

I think the last few weeks have been a little more about damage limitation rather than the search for happiness. It feels sad to type those words. As in all relationships, it is likely that both could do better in order to find a way to move forward. Hopefully we can.

Whistling As Loudly As You Can

This post will probably sound a little selfish.

I know almost before I have written anything that this has the potential to appear somewhat self-indulgent and inward looking. I suspect that many people who read this will consider passing judgement in some way. But maybe that is the point that I want to share.

Through this blog I am trying to record my thoughts and experiences around how to enjoy life when someone close to you is experiencing major, life-threatening health issues. Whether a year, month or week ago, it doesn’t go away and I suspect that anyone that has experienced cancer will say that it has been with them ever since. That is certainly the situation in my house. So almost by default, the focus is always on the patient, the survivor or the person doing their best to find a way around all of these obstacles.

It is almost impossible to challenge this view of the world.

However, I am going to give it a go.

The stress of living with someone that is ill, or has been ill, or may be ill again, is often overwhelming. It is rarely anyone’s fault. But is takes over everything and is always there in the room, no matter what you are doing or thinking.

Of course, it must be far worse to be the one suffering. But to deny the impact of what it does to family and friends is like placing your head very firmly in the sand and whistling as loudly as you can.

And it stands to reason that if you are looking to improve your quality of life and bring as much fun and laughter as you can into every day, then this needs to be taken into account. You are likely to fail with the latter if you are suffering from the former.

I think at this stage it is timely to point out that those living with cancer do not have a monopoly on ill health. Other people get ill as well.

Especially if you live in a stressful environment.

And have to hold down a full time job.

And often have to counsel and coach and just be there for people who are scared about their future.

Like partners of cancer patients.

It will probably come as no surprise to learn that I have not been well lately after an introduction like that. In fact, I have been warned by my doctors that I need to be sensible about how I live my life in future. If I want to have a long-term future, that is.

Not all of it is down to the environment I find myself living in, but some of it is.

And that is quite a crucial point.

When you get caught up in the habit of continually talking and thinking and worrying about someone else’s health, it’s easy to forget your own. I am no saint and I can assure you I think about other stuff regularly. But most people in similar circumstances probably do what I do far more often that they should.

If I don’t feel well, I compare it to the person alongside me and what they must be feeling. And I very quickly realise that it is insignificant by comparison and do nothing about it.

Or when my doctor says I need to take care of this or that, I compare it again and realise that, in the overall scheme of things, it just doesn’t really matter.

In fact, we all probably stop mentioning aches and pains and any fears we may have about our own health because you know that it’s unlikely to be anything as serious as cancer. You also know that you can be trumped and deeply embarrassed should any cancer patient decide to compare symptoms. A cruel thing to think (sorry) but I have witnessed such behaviour before (not at home) and for obvious reasons, the cancer sufferer always comes out on top.

Not that it's a competition of course.

But people around them keep quiet about their own health.

And here is something else that I have experienced.

Cancer patients operate at a higher level of anxiety that most of us. No great surprise of course. But should I go to see my doctor and explain where I am going then anxiety levels increase dramatically at home. She is disproportionately worried that something may be wrong. So there is an even bigger reason to either ignore or hide what may be going on so that I do not bring any more undue stress into her life.

So again, I keep quiet about my own health.

It’s a very logical and understandable situation and one that the cancer patient is unlikely to be able to change. They have enough on their collective plates for me to honestly think that they should be amending their behaviour to be kinder to others.

The key to this in my opinion rests firmly with me and every other partner or family member in a similar situation. Be understanding and supportive and as kind as you can to your loved one, but be the same to yourself as well. It’s crucial to ensuring that you don’t ignore your own health and vital if you want to keep a level of happiness going as well.

Thankfully I am not seriously ill. Everything can change of course, but hopefully this is just one of those things that happens as you get older. But I can totally understand why someone in a similar position to me might think about hiding their symptoms or diagnosis for the sake of someone else. My wife thinks that is what I am doing at the moment and sadly I can’t convince her otherwise.

That probably says as much about her as it does about me. But however you look at it, its not healthy.

http://briansphirstblog.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/sticking-with-it.html

Mr. and Mrs.

I was reading some of my previous posts this morning. If I had one observation to make it would probably be that there did not seem to be too much happiness mentioned over the last few weeks. Sometimes that can happen. I therefore think that it's time to note that sometimes we do actually manage to achieve our aim and smile a little.

We had a wedding last weekend. Not just any wedding though. It was our daughters wedding.

I think if you are looking for happiness and fun with a healthy dose of stress thrown in then a family wedding would be somewhere near the top of the list.

It went really well. It was fantastic fun. Everyone behaved, there was laughter and happiness and a good few tears of emotion. The venue was beautiful and to cap it all the sun came out and the sky stayed blue all day.

We had one or two minor meltdowns in the morning and a major crisis with two complete changes of outfit in the last five minuets before leaving. But this was to be expected. I am sure that the majority of female guests had their own version of this!

Other than this my wife was in her element. Happy and surrounded by family and lovely friends.

Of course, this is not really something that can be added to a planned programme of happiness. But if it comes along like it did for us then you have to grab it with both hands and go for it. The fact that we had a weekend that was completely free from any negative thoughts about health or the future was wonderful and very welcome.

But.....

I find it fascinating how sometimes our minds deliberately overlook the obvious and positive in order to hold onto the negatives of fear and the unknown. It does us no good, it makes no sense but I think that most of us do this more often than we care to admit.

It has not been an easy few weeks. Regular check-ups on Cancer No.1 and Cancer No.2 (I need to find better names) were completed. The first was a three month check on C2 and was fine. All good news. The lead up to the visit was not without its stressful and anxious moments but this is put into perspective a little when you get positive results. The second was a six month check on C1 and was far more involved. The week or two before the scan and the subsequent week waiting for the results were also challenging, but again, this was understandable.

And the news was also good.

However this is where I include a......but.....into the narrative.

But.....at the second check a number of other things were noticed. Not necessarily serious. Not necessarily anything to worry about. Probably completely unconnected to C1. The consultant arranged for urgent biopsies as you would hope and they were completed within minutes. A little awkward and unpleasant but it was exactly what anyone would have wanted in terms of response and care.

So what was the general mood after weeks of worry and two very positive results?

Lets just say that the good news sadly seems to have been completely overwhelmed by the fear of what the additional tests may say.

Whilst it is completely irrational it's also no great surprise. It seems to take a disproportionate and often impossible amount of effort to concentrate on the present and feel positive about what is known when all our minds really want to do is to search for and find the next thing to worry about.

I may have mentioned mindfulness and meditation before. I think they deserve closer consideration in order to find a way of finding the happiness in what should be a happy time after two very positive results.

An Emotion Characterized By An Unpleasant State Of Inner Turmoil

Yesterday was another check up day. A day for scans and reminders and a whole heap of anxiety about the future. Unfortunately the results will take another week of waiting for. I only found out on Sunday but I suspected that it was due. There are some things that people really are not very good at hiding and worrying about whether their cancer has returned is one of them.   

Image from http://www.alternativewaystoheal.com/homeopathic-remedies-for-anxiety.html

How Are You Defined?

Last night I went to a gig.

On my own.

And I loved every second of it.

It's one of the things that we are both trying more of at the moment, going out, doing what we enjoy without feeling the pressure of trying to keep someone else happy at the same time.

So far it's been successful.

But it's not really the gig or the more open way of doing what we enjoy that I wanted to write about.

I noticed a guy at the gig last night that was very smart and a little out of place. No problem with that. But catching up on social media this morning I happened to see that he has posted photographs of the event and realised it was him because I recognised his profile picture.

All fine so far.

The thing that I found interesting was that he used the letters CEO after his name and the brief description of him was all about his job and the very important responsibilities that he has. No mention of interests, values, family or anything else that may be important in defining what he is all about. I have to assume that he was at the gig in his own time and doing something that he enjoyed, but he dressed as a CEO might be expected to dress and the face he presented to others on social media at least was very work-centric. And it got me thinking that here was a person who had chosen to be defined by his job rather than anything else.

It reminded me of some of the conversations that my wife and I had experienced soon after her first diagnosis. She was so determined not to be defined by her illness. She wanted to be known for all of the other things in her life, the things that had value and meaning to her, rather than something that had sadly happened to her.

A few years ago someone we knew had been diagnosed with cancer and almost overnight seemed to have become defined by their illness. It appeared that they had allowed, or maybe been encouraged to allow, the illness to take over their life and become the one thing that they focused on and identified with. All conversations seemed to be about the illness and it felt like “my cancer” had almost become their mantra, possibly to the detriment of other, important things in their life.

Whilst you cannot fairly look at others and pass criticism on the way in which they chose to react to a massive, life-changing event, it was fascinating to see the difference. My wife wanted to live for other things. She has friends, work, family and interests in her life. She socialises and wants to chat with others about how they feel and what is going on with them. She has values that she wants to live up to and hopefully, one day, things that she would like to achieve.

And way, way down that list of what is important to her, is the fact that she suffers from an illness. An illness that she only wants to think about when she has to.

It can be difficult of course, and the balance is often a very delicate one and a real challenge to maintain at times. But we have both worked hard at ensuring that she is not defined by the illness she has had to cope with.

People choose to be defined by different things and that is their prerogative. It was my wife's choice not to live her life with a large, flashing neon sign over her head saying “cancer sufferer”. There are of course times when it can be taken too far and the desire to live for everything but her illness can cause its own problems. But from where I am sitting this has been a good thing and has hopefully contributed to her well being and sense of happiness in the last year or two, even if it has not always been obvious. So sensible choices and recognition of values are key when it comes to deciding how to live your life in difficult circumstances, especially if you want to be able to focus on the good things in your life.

Chose Life

“Life is to be lived, not controlled.”

This quote by Ralph Ellison is a very apt introduction to something that I have been meaning to write about since I first started this blog back in January.

Stoicism. Or how to live a stoic life.

To me, the word stoic always used to bring to mind the British “stiff upper lip”, the sort of resolve and stubbornness that no doubt built the Empire and got us through the Blitz. In fact, I have used the word myself often when trying to describe my late mother-in-law who had that old fashioned "just get on with it" attitude. But in reality there is so much more to it than that. Over the last couple of years I have become increasingly fascinated in some of the very sensible and logical ideas that stoicism can offer those interested enough to want to know more.

Take a look at the definition of stoicism and you will be met with the following;

“The endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings and without complaint.”

A straightforward description of something that probably many of us can identify with. This was very much my mother-in-law. In years gone by many people going through tough times would have considered this to be the only option and would have chosen to just get on with their lives exactly as the definition suggests.

However there is also another definition of stoicism in Wikipedia:

“An ancient Greek school of philosophy...taught that...the wise live in harmony...with nature...and are indifferent to the vicissitudes of fortune and to pleasure and pain.”

It is aspects of this second definition, the philosophical way of looking at and living your life rather than just getting on with it, that has interested me. I am not going to share too much of the detail here. Firstly, because I am no scholar and secondly, because I know little more than a few simple Stoic sound bites. I will however include some links at the end of this section should anyone reading this want to explore and find out more. But for me this is a philosophy that I have been able to dip into when the need arises and I have found some genuine nuggets of wisdom that have really connected with my thoughts and feelings. This is not a lifestyle choice for me although it has been for many people over many thousands of years. It is however interesting to note that many believe that it is becoming even more relevant now at a time of rapid change and uncertainty in the world.

Some examples that I have been able to identify with include the connection between worry, control and happiness. Stoicism encourages people not to worry about anything that they do not have the capability to change or control. Not worrying about other people, about disagreements, wars or even illness, is possible by focusing on what you can control and discarding what you cannot. It also makes it clear that happiness is always a choice. We can chose happiness whenever we want to as long as we are able to control the way in which we look at things.

It also encourages people to look at themselves as a minuscule part of a massive, complicated, wonderful world and to show gratitude for simply being here. My understanding of the thinking here is that by appreciating our lack of worth and value in the overall scheme of things, rather than thinking our existence or anything we have is a right, it will help us to find balance and gratitude for life itself. If we are able to appreciate our very existence then things like illness becomes insignificant to our peace of mind.

Very different to the way in which we are encouraged to think of ourselves these days.  

These are very much my own interpretations of this complex and very ancient philosophy, but it has helped me at times during the last year or two. For example, understanding that chasing future happiness is self defeating and that true happiness is possible by just accepting what we have and where we are, sounds so simple that we automatically think that it cannot be true. But an open mind and a reason for wanting to try this out are often all that it takes to embrace something new.

As part of coping with illness it has been useful. I have tried very hard at times to work on accepting my own happiness and dismissing things that I am unable to control with some success. It is however much harder to accept that someone else's suffering is irrelevant in order to guarantee your own happiness. This does at times feel almost like a betrayal and incredibly disloyal. I have talked about stoicism with my wife a lot and whilst she has an open mind I think she does see it slightly differently to me. But as I have suggested before, there is a value to anything that offers a level of comfort and has positive results.

Perhaps the Elusive Sense of Happiness is not so difficult to find after all.

https://dailystoic.com/what-is-stoicism-a-definition-3-stoic-exercises-to-get-you-started/

https://howtobeastoic.wordpress.com/

Give Yourself Permission

Do more of what you like to do.

It sounds simple doesn't it? But often we get so caught up in living our lives and doing what we have to do that we forget what it is that we actually enjoy doing.

I am lucky. I have a long list of interests and could easily fill my day with things that I enjoy. If I didn't have to work for a living then I would do it all. Prioritising items on my list and fitting them into the time I have available however is a little more challenging.

What is even harder though is asking yourself the question and finding that you are unable to list anything. We had this conversation a while back and I think it came as a big surprise to find that after much consideration there was nothing that my wife was able to put on her list.

Actually, that's not completely true. She was able to say that she liked being at home and she enjoyed being with her family and friends. But there were no interests or dreams or passions that she had beyond this. So whilst what she shared was fine, it was not a great start when it came to working out a plan of action.

But it did give her time to think. If she enjoyed doing those things, then she was able to make a decision to do more of them, however mundane they may have appeared. And it encouraged her to think of things that she may have had to put aside in the past when her priority was putting the family and others first.

She has embraced this and has taken small steps towards doing more of what she enjoys. There are more social events appearing in her diary now which is a good thing. Her circle of friends has increased which is also a positive. And she is happier with me doing things for myself rather than tagging along even when she knew she had no interest. All good news.

Despite the sometimes crippling self-doubt and lack of confidence these are massive improvements in terms of her enjoying life and finding happiness. And not just for my wife. I am happier that she is doing more and enjoying what she does. And she has finally given herself permission not to go to anymore boring gigs or sporting events with me and is actively filling the time doing other things.

Who knows, she may even decide to follow up on her recent comment expressing an interest in apiarism (photo attached for those without a knowledge of obscure words).

Just Smile

Another difficult day at the office yesterday. When she came home from work it was not hard to tell that things had gone badly. When this happens we both slip into our default positions. She tries hard to pretend that everything is fine whilst at the same time sending out non-verbal messages that are screaming “I made another mistake and am unhappy and worried.” My habit is to only hear the non-verbal message and to keep pushing until she tells me what is wrong. 

I was thinking today that sometimes it's best to just put a smile on our faces and pretend that we are happy, even when we don't feel like it. If I encourage her to do this more often and do the same myself then maybe when things get difficult we just might convince ourselves that all is fine. And end up smiling for real.

The route to happiness is sometimes through a forced smile.

Please Do Not Confuse Your Google Search With My Medical Degree

I was reminded the other day of a situation that we encountered a couple of years ago. It's something that we get to laugh about now but it's probably fair to say it caused us many sleepless nights at the time.

Last week my wife received a text from a friend of hers. This is a relatively new friend and whilst illness did not play any part in them becoming friends, it has clearly been the topic of some discussion already. We were out walking when the text arrived and we continued to walk and chat about the situation as they communicated. It would appear that her friend had been worried about her health and had been to the hospital for some tests. The results were good however they did identify another issue that she was not previously aware of and the result of these additional tests was unfortunately not so good. Her friend was upset and she reached out to my wife for support and advice as the person that she thought might be best able to help. That was a big compliment to my wife and I told her that I think it is important for her to recognise this. They continued to exchange messages as we headed home, with me getting a running commentary on the texts and the information being shared.

It was some time into this text conversation that my wife shared the advice that stopped me in my tracks.

She wrote to her friend, “whatever you do, listen carefully to the doctors and do not under any circumstances spend too much time on Google trying to find out more information. I can assure you that this is not a good thing.”

It is at this point that I should explain the background. After her first diagnosis, my wife spent hours online every single day for what seemed like months, checking out every word written about the disease that she had been diagnosed with. This caused her a massive amount of anxiety and depression and despite being strongly warned by all of her medical advisers, family and friends, she was unable to stop. Anything positive that she discovered was rejected as being untrue. Anything negative, especially when it related to the seriousness of the disease, the likelihood of recurrence or the chances of survival, was seized upon and analysed endlessly. It also served to muddy the waters in the relationship with the doctors and consultants that were treating her as she struggled to believe what they were telling her.

This lasted for a long time before we somehow managed to get the situation under control. She did finally start to listen and, significantly, her mood and general sense of well-being improved almost overnight.

Sadly, the second diagnosis at the end of last year saw a knee-jerk reaction into exactly the same kind of behaviour. The best thing about our second experience however was that, whilst it was just as intense in many ways, it did end much sooner and the anxiety was managed with far fewer consequences for all involved.

So, it was therefore no great surprise that I laughed when she told me what she had advised her friend. I had some fun at her expense but did tell her that I was delighted that she really seemed to have accepted the dangers and was able to offer such sound advice.

“Well, of course I do” was her reply, “but I would do exactly the same again if I was diagnosed for a third time. I know it's stupid, but I just can't help myself and want to know everything that the doctors either don't know or won't tell me.”

I guess we are all good at giving out sensible advise and then completely ignoring it ourselves.

There is however a positive in there somewhere so it goes on to the list!

• avoiding medical web-sites and internet searches
• cute animal video clips
• talking with others (without self-pity or negativity)
• sunshine
• walking outdoors (fresh air and exercise in the country)
• road trips
• a good pub lunch
• laughing with friends and family

24 Hours In A&E

We watched “24 Hours in A&E” last night. Regular viewing, always good for a drama and hopefully at least one happy ending.

Last night they featured a newly married couple where sadly the wife had developed leukaemia just a few months after the wedding. The interviews were all very positive but it was clear to see that they were both traumatised and they admitted that their lives had been put on hold due to the sudden illness.

In one of her pieces to camera, the wife mentioned how lucky she was to have someone close to her to whinge and moan at when she felt down and everything was becoming too much for her. She also said that she was feeling “very cross” a lot of the time and that she had to take it out on someone. It was clear to see as she spoke that she felt the benefits of sharing her anger and negative emotions with someone, but the subsequent image of her partner looking like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders said a lot.

It was at this point that I looked over at my wife to see if she had seen and understood what had been shared. She had. We exchanged a knowing look although no words were really necessary. We have discussed this often and she is aware of the situation. I think it is important however for her to be reminded that sometimes easing her own emotional well-being by getting angry with others might make her feel better at the time but it simply dumps all of the stress and negativity onto someone else. At times something a supportive partner may be happy with, but not all of the time.

A case of one person's happiness destroying anothers.

The Wheels Of Happiness

We had a good weekend.

There is a feeling of positivity that comes from writing those words on a Monday morning. The weekend was planned in as much as we made plans, but like so many things that work out well, it was more about the people involved than any element of logistical genius on my part.

Let's start with Friday.

I had no work planned so went into London to wander around and to spend a little time by myself. Wife came up later to join me and we took a look around the Southbank food market, always a big favourite with my foodie spouse. After a late lunch (Indian vegetarian street food) we walked over the river and spent some time in one of my favourite little bars. There is normally a great soundtrack in this place however, almost as soon as we arrived, they changed it to something far more mainstream. A slight disappointment for me, but they just happened to chose my wife's favourite singer, so another tick in the box for the collective level of happiness. After that, we walked around the crowded West End streets, popping into shops and dodging the thousands of people out for a good evening, had a laugh, got some miles into our legs and found our way home before the rain started.

She was happy.

Saturday was a little more predictable but also great fun.

It was the day of the rugby. Son number 1 and son-in-law to be were out working together in the morning and both wanted to get a frame or two of snooker in before the rugby started. We duly succeeded. Found our seats and friends in the local club just as the match started and were joined by wife and daughter. Lots to drink, plenty of laughs and the two kids that were with us (plus son-in-law to be) were on good form. We lost the rugby but it didn't seem to matter. We joined a few more friends for a few more drinks after the match and then hit the local restaurant for a really good take-away to end another enjoyable day.

Another Indian take-away.

And then we had Sunday.

Daughter and son-in-law to be both came over again for breakfast in the local cafe. We were joined by son number 1 and two of daughters friends. Not seen them for ages and had a lot of fun. Wife really enjoyed their company and daughters friend was very kind and made her feel special. Lazy afternoon in front of the TV and then a trashy movie before son number 1 made a quick trip to the supermarket for something very nice but no doubt extremely unhealthy for dinner.

There is a theme here that is beginning to be established. At the risk of repetition from earlier posts, family, friends and plenty of laughter seem to be a winner more often than not. No mention of sadness, illness, medical treatment or pretty much anything with a negative feel to it was no doubt also very handy. And, in the spirit (pun intended) of openness, the wheels of happiness were nicely lubricated by a glass or two of wine and beer on both Friday and Saturday. Not something that I am always comfortable with, but a subject that I will cover on another, less positive, day.

So whilst the England rugby team sadly lost, the weekend itself was a big, positive win in almost every other way. And big wins and positivity frequently lead to happiness.

"Awwww"

After yesterdays longish post I thought that something short and less serious might be in order for today. I have never been much of a fan of the seemingly endless “cute kitten” videos that are shared on Facebook. However I have discovered recently that video clips involving cute or funny animals nearly always work a treat with my wife these days and raise plenty of smiles. Each to their own, but she is about to be inundated!

I was also thinking that, in the spirit of the title of this blog, it might be interesting to keep an ongoing list of things that have actually worked and helped us find some of that elusive happiness and fun.

• cute animal video clips
• talking with others (without self-pity or negativity)
• sunshine
• walking outdoors (fresh air and exercise in the country)
• road trips
• a good pub lunch
• laughing with relatives and family

Hardly a list of staggering insight or wisdom I know, but we all have to start somewhere.

Tough Love

It's been an interesting week since I last shared my thoughts here. We have had some very good moments and some not so good. It is the not so good that I am going to concentrate on today, not because they are the more important, but mainly because they have allowed us to learn the most from them.

I will try to describe the underlying situation as simply as possible. I had never heard of “chemo brain” until relatively recently, and whilst it has a slightly comical name it is a thing to be taken seriously. My wife has been suffering for some time from memory loss, difficulty with concentrating, finding the right words to use in conversation and a general feeling of fatigue. These symptoms match almost exactly those suffered through "chemo brain" and she has been experiencing them almost continuously since she underwent her chemotherapy sessions over two years ago. Unfortunately, this has escalated a little recently and has resulted in mistakes at work which has understandably caused some stress and anxiety. A rather unsympathetic response from her employer is increasing her stress which, of course, means that more mistakes are being made as a result. An obvious and unpleasant downward spiral has resulted and has lead to an anxious and difficult week at home.

Previously we have been able to laugh at this in a kind way as a family and my wife has had the ability to laugh at herself which has enabled her to cope more easily with something that must be very concerning. This has allowed all of us some perspective on the issue. However with the sudden increase in pressure at work this safety valve has stopped functioning. She is convinced that she is about to be fired and sadly her managers are not doing anything to help her control these fears. They are making her feel like she is a liability to the business which means that she is becoming more and more reluctant to share the reasons for this with them. She wants to be treated as a normal employee and does not want any special dispensations for something that, in her mind, is just her not being very good at her job. Not a healthy or sustainable situation to be in.

These feelings have been brought home from work every evening and shared unwittingly with the family. She has come home in a depressed state and we therefore all get to feel her pain. She believes that her employer would be sensible to get rid of her as she is no longer capable of doing her job. She has also convinced herself that she would not be able to find any other paid employment when this happens. Her mind is telling her that this really is the end of the road for anything normal in her life and her self-esteem has been shot to pieces.

Understanding and sympathy are of course useful in trying to help anyone feeling down and worthless. It is probably fair to say however that both have been pretty ineffective over recent weeks. As I know through my own experiences, if you have convinced yourself that you have little or no value then someone trying very nicely to convince you otherwise is almost certainly wasting their time. So it was no great surprise that things came to a head before the weekend.

We were out and having a pleasant evening. The conversation drifted onto work and suddenly she couldn't stop herself from sliding down another greasy pole into a comfort zone of self-pity and fear. Kind words had no effect and obstacles were very quickly placed in-front of every sensible point that was shared. She was clear and no-one was going to change her opinions of herself.

Without going into details, the conversation moved into difficult territory. It can be so painful to talk harshly to someone you care for and empathise with. But there are times when all of us need to be told not to be stupid and to find some balance. Times when it is right to tell someone that this self-defeating negativity carries no value to it and is ruining not only their peace of mind but also those around them. That none of this matters more than the most important things in life, like having kind and understanding family and friends around you, a roof over your head, food on the table and the gift of actually walking up in the morning and being granted another precious day of life.

It was painful and difficult and, at the time, probably not greatly appreciated. The tears and raised voices did not go unnoticed and doing this in our local pub was less than ideal. But it happened and it helped and there has been a significant improvement since. I am grateful for that and I believe that she is as well.

If there has to be a lesson here, and there probably should be, it is that we all need people around us who love us enough to say the harsh things when needed. And of course, we also need the humility to get our head around the strong words and hear the intended message.

Background reading on this seemingly little understood area using the links below.

http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/cancers-in-general/cancer-questions/chemo-brain

https://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatments-and-side-effects/physical-side-effects/changes-in-mood-or-thinking/chemo-brain.html

Not Kewl

I had some time on my hands last night and decided to do a search for humour and cancer. I was in a positive mood and thought that a light-hearted check might be a good way to spend some time whilst my wife was out with friends. I have also touched on the subject recently and wondered whether there was more information available than when I last looked. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement.

It's a difficult and sensitive subject and like anything serious, people often believe that any attempt at humour is disrespectful. I tried images first. There always seems to be thousands of these when I search for other subjects but in this case, there very few indeed, and those I did discover were mostly in French for some reason. Visually, humour and cancer does seem to be peculiarly Gallic.

I then took a look at some of the websites that the search located and again, not a massive success. I did find a place that offered examples of Awesome Things To Say To A Cancer Patient but these were strangely not awesome at all. I know that in our house if someone said “may I pray for you?” or “do you need someone to co-ordinate volunteers?” they may not get the response that they were hoping for. I was also just a little surprised to find that there is actually a list of the top ten signs that your spouse is trying to give you cancer! Incredible.

One site very kindly mentioned a whole list of films that might make cancer patients laugh. I am sure Dumb and Dumber, Shrek and Ace Ventura, Pet Detective are likely to make some people laugh, but I would suggest that they are more likely to be under the age of about 12 than have any special meaning for cancer patients. But I am open to correction on this point if anyone feels differently.

I will take another look when time permits. Sadly the only thing I was able to take away from my brief research, and very unwillingly at that, was a peculiar line from a place that thought that there was humour in suggesting that a bad way of telling friends and relatives that you have cancer is to send the following text message....omg! I've got cancer. Not kewl. :(

True but just wierd.

Sensitivity

Back to the hospital yesterday for a check up and test results.

The most important thing is that the results were good. Again. But surgeons and consultants sometimes have a lot to answer for. In attempting to say everything is fine he ended up getting himself into a right mess and scaring the hell out of my wife.

The message she brought home with her was not “you are doing well” but “this is a bad cancer to have had, you need to check yourself very carefully every week or two and never, ever put yourself at risk in the sunshine again and, by the way, did I tell you that this really is a nasty type of cancer?”

He realised his mistake and tried hard to over-compensate, but as we all know, the more you dig the bigger the hole becomes. He ended up taking her hands in his and trying to convince her that things are not so bad, but maybe it was a case of too little, too late.

She appears to have taken it well. I made sure we were out last night and we had a good time with some of the kids and friends. I suspect that some damage has been done but time will tell. We all have the best of intentions at sensitive times like this but it is so important to think not just about the message you have to share but also how you share it.

The Banishment of Self Pity

There are moments in life that come along every so often that stick in your mind and cause you to stop, catch your breath and think carefully about what has just happened. These moments can, if handled correctly and thoughtfully, leave an impression that can hang around for a long time. Sometimes they are major, life changing events but in my experience, often they are not. Just a word or a gesture or something that makes you think differently can frequently leave the longest impression.

So if I follow up that rather dramatic opening by sharing the words “Andrew Marr” with you it will completely throw anyone still with me after the opening paragraph. But Andrew Marr is very much the person responsible for a recent moment in my life.

I think I should explain.

We watched a documentary about him on the BBC recently. For anyone unaware, Andrew is a political presenter and correspondent and a reasonably well known figure in the UK. But quite old school, mainstream and, well, a little uninspiring if I am being honest. So it was with great surprise that we very quickly got immersed by this documentary about his health issues over the last year or two.

The story covered his stroke. It explained what had happened, how it was probably not that unexpected to those closest to him, and what he did, and continues to do, to improve his health and travel his road to recovery. But the most significant part of the story was that we actually got to see what he was really like behind his public persona and it was this, his personality and drive, which was the most remarkable thing.

He was the epitome of “living for the moment”. His drive was incredible. He wrote newspaper articles and books, presented on both television and radio, travelled, drew and painted, had time for his family, was an exercise freak and probably cooked, cut the grass and washed the car every Sunday as well. His life was full to overflowing and it was clear that he loved everything that he did and was always looking to do more.

It was also made clear that this drive had contributed significantly to his health issues. But the main message that both of us got was that he lived his life to the full and relished everything that he did. At one point he stated to the camera that he had no time for self pity and that this was the ultimate waste of time in his view. We both picked up on that point.

He was, simply put, an inspiration and a completely unexpected one at that. And he was happy living his life in his own way and doing his best to fill it with meaning.

I guess an indication of what kind of impact something has had on an individual is what they do with the new information and the changes they make as a result. I found myself doing things differently the very next day. I actually found more of a spring in my step and a more positive way of dealing with those everyday obstacles that come along. I picked up tasks quickly and the normal procrastination was gone. I even felt happier.

It's not quite the aspirational banishment of self pity that it could have been but it's a pretty good way to react to a television documentary however you want to look at it.

Photo from BBC News website

Good Intentions

Such a sad news story appeared in the UK press this weekend. A married couple from Liverpool, aged 57 and 50, both died from cancer within days of each other last week. They left three children, between the ages of 13 and 21, but it was their last photograph of their parents, holding hands in a hospice days before their deaths, that was so heartbreaking. How does anyone young cope with the loss of one parent, let alone both, especially when all three kids are still coming to terms with so many of their own life issues?

There are positives however. As of this morning over £120,000 had been raised on line for the children through the generosity of complete strangers from across the world. This will go towards providing them with a place to live and support through college and university. It's truly an inspirational thing for everyone involved and the power of people should never be underestimated.

Sadly, it will never be able to replace their parents.

It is impossible to read about such a sad situation and not let it effect you. We both read about it separately and, whilst I was cautious about raising the subject, we both had the same response. We were sad and felt for the family, but wanted to talk about what was happening and how it could relate to us. I think that there are benefits to reading stories like this when you or someone close to you is suffering with the disease, even if it may not feel like it. I guess it highlights that there are always other worse off than you are, no matter what you may be going through at the time. A little balance is never a bad thing. But perhaps more importantly, it raises the subject without it being personal, and allows for discussion without a lot of the emotion that often seems to accompany such conversations when they originate with your suffering.

Much like the funeral a couple of weeks ago, it would appear that its good to talk as long as you start it the right way.

We also talked this morning about donating to the fund and I suspect there have been thousands of similar conversations all across the world today. I hope that as many as possible follow through on their good intentions.  

The Giant's House

I finished a wonderful book today, “The Giant's House” by Elizabeth McCracken. Very difficult to define, it is essentially a love story that is quirky and peculiar enough to appeal to someone that really doesn't like to think of themselves as an old romantic, but probably is. Without giving too much away, there were some exquisitely written scenes around one persons selfless devotion to their unlikely partner as they gradually became less capable of looking after themselves. It shows how a life can become completely consumed by the search for happiness for another person and it both fascinated and completely horrified me in equal measures. There is no doubt that the pain of denying oneself happiness and joy in the name of finding it for someone else could be seriously attractive and addictive to a certain kind of personality.

It made me wonder how easy it would be for me to find myself in a place like this. And showed me how focussed I need to be to ensure that my own happiness is not neglected.

But I loved the notes on the back cover which I share here simply because I want to be able to read them again and again.

“The Giant's House is a strange, beautifully written and unforgettably tender novel about learning to welcome the unexpected miracle, and about the strength of choosing to love in a world that gives no promises, and no guarantees.”

Read the book and love it.  

Road Trip

They say that variety is the spice of life, and there may be some truth in that slightly overused quotation. Something a little different can often have a positive impact so it was with plenty of excitement but also a little trepidation that we set out on a road trip on Friday.

With just the two of us in the car we drove up (or should that be across?) country towards the Welsh border, along motorways, A roads and plenty of little country lanes full of puddles and winter mud. The car was filthy by the time we arrived but the sun shone and the countryside looked green and the bare trees stood out against the deep blue sky. We passed fields of cattle and sheep and row upon row of fruit trees waiting for spring to arrive to bring them to life.

From the moment we set out, with our daughter, her partner and a friend in the other car, it was almost adventure-like. We had a break at a motorway service station and even raced a little once we left coffee, bacon rolls and Burger King chips behind, to see who could get to the hotel first.

We won.

But the really good thing about Friday was the reason for our adventure. We were going to a funeral. The funeral of someone who had just died from cancer.

Let me explain.

Funerals can be pretty emotional events. This was the funeral of someone close, but not too close, to our immediate family. He had been suffering from cancer for a while, but was given just months to live at the end of last summer. Sadly, after an emotional Christmas, he passed away in the first few days of the new year.

I am sure that this hit my wife quite badly.

So when I say that this was a good thing, what I mean is that we had to face some cancer related reality, but in a place where there was company and no time to overly dwell on personal feelings or worries. It was sad. People cried, including my wife. But she offered support and sympathy to the wife of the bereaved and got to chat to a lot of people, some of whom she had not seen in years and some she was meeting for the first time. And what could have been difficult became a mixture of learning (what they did which she would not want to do when / if it happened to her) and a "pleasant in the circumstances" social event.

She even got to meet someone who had been through two separate bouts of cancer and was living a fantastically positive and happy life herself. I think that reminder really helped.

There was plenty of talk in the car on the journey home, but positive comments and thoughts rather than the sort of thing I was fearing. She was happy in discussing the sad situation but avoided some of the usual pitfalls that we seem to experience at home.

In fact the only difficulties we had were with her navigation and my driving!

So there were positives all over the place which is a great thing for me to be writing today. Being outdoors, even if it was mostly in a car, gave us that connection with nature which seems to improve moods almost without fail. And the idea of a simple adventure like a road trip with friends and family offered up some childlike fun which was welcomed by all. The biggest positive however was that a weekend of sadness, and in particular cancer-related sadness, was met with a positive and realistic response rather than a nudge into a downward spiral of introspection and worry.

I think we need to run away from life and have fun like this more often.