I have
not written or posted here for a while. There is, of course, a reason
for that.
There are
times in life when you can do no right, no matter how hard you try.
Sadly, the last few weeks have given me reason to think exactly that
on a few occasions. There have been some good moments but things have
also been difficult at times. I therefore want to try to get this
down in writing as fairly as I can in order to help understand the
situation and how best to deal with it.
I had
better start by explaining that there have been more health issues
over recent weeks. Thankfully not cancer, but other things that are
proving to be debilitating. These are causing stress and concern as
you would imagine and have involved a number of trips to doctors and
hospitals. Unfortunately this has also caused the general mood in our
lives to become more depressed and this is almost certainly the cause
of our difficulties.
Despite
some of my previous posts here, I fear that my wife is starting to
become more defined by her poor health. The positivity that she has
shown at times is becoming less and less frequent. In my opinion, and
of course that is completely subjective, her default position is more
often one of general unhappiness and disappointment with a lot of
things around her. The main topic of conversation is mostly health
related and she has become obsessed, again, with reading all she can
on line about her latest illness.
I am
conscious that this does not sound good and I want to be accurate in
everything that I write. There are times when she appears fine.
That's good. But it feels as if there are more times now when she
does not seem to be fine. At times like this she can slip into a
negative way of thinking about many things and I strongly suspect
that this has become a habit and she is not even aware that it
happens. Even though we have discussed it frequently, it continues. I
suspect that I have also developed a habit in response. I hear the
negativity and my automatic response is to find something positive to
share and to highlight the negative comments I believe that I am
hearing. This is rarely successful.
It is
important for me to be clear at this stage. I do not have a great
history of positive thinking myself. There have been many times when
I have been told about this and it is rarely easy for me to accept.
However, one of my methods of coping with the ongoing health issues
of my wife has been to try to develop an air of positivity as much as
possible and to consider a stoic view of life and the world around
me. Whilst they are not exactly the same thing, I have found that it
helps me to cope with the challenges that we have experienced over
recent years. If someone is down or a situation does not go well then
I try to find good things wherever I can.
Last week
everything exploded. I have to take some of the blame for this. I
wanted to raise my concerns, point out the negativity and to try to
put a smile on her face. Of course, the stoic view of this is that I
am unable to control anyone else's feelings and should simply look
after my own. By interfering and pointing out what I was seeing I
have offended and upset her. This was never my intention but it
happened. When raised, the points were denied and were deflected back
at me as is usual in situations like this. And it was done so with a
lot of anger and emotion.
Yes, it
is easy to upset someone when you are trying to highlight behaviours
that you think they need to be aware of. It is also easy to upset
someone when they are angry and unhappy with the world. In fact, as I
have already written here, anything that I say or do at times will
cause upset and anger. I accept that is the lot of living with
someone who is ill and often vulnerable and scared. It doesn't make
it easy though.
I wish I
had handled it differently. I have pointed out the perceived
negativity often but it rarely seems to be taken on board. I am now
unsure of the best way to discuss my concerns and fears without
causing offence. Maybe the best thing to do is nothing. But somehow
that feels like a complete cop-out and also something that could fuel
the fire when the anger next returns.
I suspect
that a deterioration into a negative and unhappy way of looking at
life is easy for people with long term illness. I also know that
moaning about everything in life is what many perfectly healthy
people do anyway. But it still feels like an issue that I need to
find a way to help with.
The
biggest challenge for me is how to let her know in a way that does
not offend. It would appear that this is not something that I am very
good at it.
There is
no doubt that the situation has calmed a lot since last week. I would
like to think that she is able to see and feel that this is not all
about me being unfair and misunderstanding her. I am also aware that
I am not the perfect partner and that my personality and choice of
approach has often not helped. But it has put a strain on both of us
and that is not good.
I think
the last few weeks have been a little more about damage limitation
rather than the search for happiness. It feels sad to type those
words. As in all relationships, it is likely that both could do
better in order to find a way to move forward. Hopefully we can.
