It's been an
interesting week since I last shared my thoughts here. We have had
some very good moments and some not so good. It is the not so good
that I am going to concentrate on today, not because they are the
more important, but mainly because they have allowed us to
learn the most from them.
I will try to describe
the underlying situation as simply as possible. I had never heard of
“chemo brain” until relatively recently, and whilst it has a slightly comical name it is a thing to be taken seriously. My wife
has been suffering for some time from memory loss, difficulty with
concentrating, finding the right words to use in conversation and a
general feeling of fatigue. These symptoms match almost exactly those suffered through "chemo brain" and she has been experiencing them almost continuously since she
underwent her chemotherapy sessions over two years ago. Unfortunately, this has
escalated a little recently and has resulted in mistakes at
work which has understandably caused some stress and anxiety. A rather unsympathetic response from her employer is increasing her stress
which, of course, means that more mistakes are being made as a
result. An obvious and unpleasant downward spiral has resulted and has lead to an anxious and difficult week at home.
Previously we have been
able to laugh at this in a kind way as a family and my wife has had
the ability to laugh at herself which has enabled her to cope more easily with something that must be very concerning. This has allowed
all of us some perspective on the issue. However with the sudden
increase in pressure at work this safety valve has stopped functioning. She is convinced that she
is about to be fired and sadly her managers are not doing anything to
help her control these fears. They are making her feel like she is a
liability to the business which means that she is becoming more and
more reluctant to share the reasons for this with them. She wants to
be treated as a normal employee and does not want any special
dispensations for something that, in her mind, is just her not being
very good at her job. Not a healthy or sustainable situation to be
in.
These feelings have been brought home from work every evening and shared unwittingly
with the family. She has come home in a depressed state and we therefore
all get to feel her pain. She believes that her employer would be
sensible to get rid of her as she is no longer capable of doing her job. She has also convinced herself that she would not be able
to find any other paid employment when this happens. Her mind is
telling her that this really is the end of the road for anything
normal in her life and her self-esteem has been shot to pieces.
Understanding and
sympathy are of course useful in trying to help anyone feeling down
and worthless. It is probably fair to say however that both have been
pretty ineffective over recent weeks. As I know through my own
experiences, if you have convinced yourself that you have little or
no value then someone trying very nicely to convince you otherwise is
almost certainly wasting their time. So it was no great surprise that
things came to a head before the weekend.
We were out and having
a pleasant evening. The conversation drifted onto work and suddenly
she couldn't stop herself from sliding down another greasy pole into
a comfort zone of self-pity and fear. Kind
words had no effect and obstacles were very quickly placed in-front of every
sensible point that was shared. She was clear and no-one was going to
change her opinions of herself.
Without going into
details, the conversation moved into difficult territory. It can be
so painful to talk harshly to someone you care for and empathise
with. But there are times when all of us need to be told not to be stupid and to find some balance. Times when it is right to tell
someone that this self-defeating negativity carries no value to it
and is ruining not only their peace of mind but also those around
them. That none of this matters more than the most important things
in life, like having kind and understanding family and friends around
you, a roof over your head, food on the table and the gift of
actually walking up in the morning and being granted another precious
day of life.
It was painful and
difficult and, at the time, probably not greatly appreciated. The tears and
raised voices did not go unnoticed and doing this in our local pub was less than ideal. But it
happened and it helped and there has been a significant improvement
since. I am grateful for that and I believe that she is as well.
If there has to be a
lesson here, and there probably should be, it is that we all need people
around us who love us enough to say the harsh things when needed. And of course, we also need the humility to get our head around
the strong words and hear the intended message.
Background reading on this seemingly little understood area using the links below.
