Mr. and Mrs.

I was reading some of my previous posts this morning. If I had one observation to make it would probably be that there did not seem to be too much happiness mentioned over the last few weeks. Sometimes that can happen. I therefore think that it's time to note that sometimes we do actually manage to achieve our aim and smile a little.

We had a wedding last weekend. Not just any wedding though. It was our daughters wedding.

I think if you are looking for happiness and fun with a healthy dose of stress thrown in then a family wedding would be somewhere near the top of the list.

It went really well. It was fantastic fun. Everyone behaved, there was laughter and happiness and a good few tears of emotion. The venue was beautiful and to cap it all the sun came out and the sky stayed blue all day.

We had one or two minor meltdowns in the morning and a major crisis with two complete changes of outfit in the last five minuets before leaving. But this was to be expected. I am sure that the majority of female guests had their own version of this!

Other than this my wife was in her element. Happy and surrounded by family and lovely friends.

Of course, this is not really something that can be added to a planned programme of happiness. But if it comes along like it did for us then you have to grab it with both hands and go for it. The fact that we had a weekend that was completely free from any negative thoughts about health or the future was wonderful and very welcome.

But.....

I find it fascinating how sometimes our minds deliberately overlook the obvious and positive in order to hold onto the negatives of fear and the unknown. It does us no good, it makes no sense but I think that most of us do this more often than we care to admit.

It has not been an easy few weeks. Regular check-ups on Cancer No.1 and Cancer No.2 (I need to find better names) were completed. The first was a three month check on C2 and was fine. All good news. The lead up to the visit was not without its stressful and anxious moments but this is put into perspective a little when you get positive results. The second was a six month check on C1 and was far more involved. The week or two before the scan and the subsequent week waiting for the results were also challenging, but again, this was understandable.

And the news was also good.

However this is where I include a......but.....into the narrative.

But.....at the second check a number of other things were noticed. Not necessarily serious. Not necessarily anything to worry about. Probably completely unconnected to C1. The consultant arranged for urgent biopsies as you would hope and they were completed within minutes. A little awkward and unpleasant but it was exactly what anyone would have wanted in terms of response and care.

So what was the general mood after weeks of worry and two very positive results?

Lets just say that the good news sadly seems to have been completely overwhelmed by the fear of what the additional tests may say.

Whilst it is completely irrational it's also no great surprise. It seems to take a disproportionate and often impossible amount of effort to concentrate on the present and feel positive about what is known when all our minds really want to do is to search for and find the next thing to worry about.

I may have mentioned mindfulness and meditation before. I think they deserve closer consideration in order to find a way of finding the happiness in what should be a happy time after two very positive results.

An Emotion Characterized By An Unpleasant State Of Inner Turmoil

Yesterday was another check up day. A day for scans and reminders and a whole heap of anxiety about the future. Unfortunately the results will take another week of waiting for. I only found out on Sunday but I suspected that it was due. There are some things that people really are not very good at hiding and worrying about whether their cancer has returned is one of them.   

Image from http://www.alternativewaystoheal.com/homeopathic-remedies-for-anxiety.html

How Are You Defined?

Last night I went to a gig.

On my own.

And I loved every second of it.

It's one of the things that we are both trying more of at the moment, going out, doing what we enjoy without feeling the pressure of trying to keep someone else happy at the same time.

So far it's been successful.

But it's not really the gig or the more open way of doing what we enjoy that I wanted to write about.

I noticed a guy at the gig last night that was very smart and a little out of place. No problem with that. But catching up on social media this morning I happened to see that he has posted photographs of the event and realised it was him because I recognised his profile picture.

All fine so far.

The thing that I found interesting was that he used the letters CEO after his name and the brief description of him was all about his job and the very important responsibilities that he has. No mention of interests, values, family or anything else that may be important in defining what he is all about. I have to assume that he was at the gig in his own time and doing something that he enjoyed, but he dressed as a CEO might be expected to dress and the face he presented to others on social media at least was very work-centric. And it got me thinking that here was a person who had chosen to be defined by his job rather than anything else.

It reminded me of some of the conversations that my wife and I had experienced soon after her first diagnosis. She was so determined not to be defined by her illness. She wanted to be known for all of the other things in her life, the things that had value and meaning to her, rather than something that had sadly happened to her.

A few years ago someone we knew had been diagnosed with cancer and almost overnight seemed to have become defined by their illness. It appeared that they had allowed, or maybe been encouraged to allow, the illness to take over their life and become the one thing that they focused on and identified with. All conversations seemed to be about the illness and it felt like “my cancer” had almost become their mantra, possibly to the detriment of other, important things in their life.

Whilst you cannot fairly look at others and pass criticism on the way in which they chose to react to a massive, life-changing event, it was fascinating to see the difference. My wife wanted to live for other things. She has friends, work, family and interests in her life. She socialises and wants to chat with others about how they feel and what is going on with them. She has values that she wants to live up to and hopefully, one day, things that she would like to achieve.

And way, way down that list of what is important to her, is the fact that she suffers from an illness. An illness that she only wants to think about when she has to.

It can be difficult of course, and the balance is often a very delicate one and a real challenge to maintain at times. But we have both worked hard at ensuring that she is not defined by the illness she has had to cope with.

People choose to be defined by different things and that is their prerogative. It was my wife's choice not to live her life with a large, flashing neon sign over her head saying “cancer sufferer”. There are of course times when it can be taken too far and the desire to live for everything but her illness can cause its own problems. But from where I am sitting this has been a good thing and has hopefully contributed to her well being and sense of happiness in the last year or two, even if it has not always been obvious. So sensible choices and recognition of values are key when it comes to deciding how to live your life in difficult circumstances, especially if you want to be able to focus on the good things in your life.