How Are You Defined?

Last night I went to a gig.

On my own.

And I loved every second of it.

It's one of the things that we are both trying more of at the moment, going out, doing what we enjoy without feeling the pressure of trying to keep someone else happy at the same time.

So far it's been successful.

But it's not really the gig or the more open way of doing what we enjoy that I wanted to write about.

I noticed a guy at the gig last night that was very smart and a little out of place. No problem with that. But catching up on social media this morning I happened to see that he has posted photographs of the event and realised it was him because I recognised his profile picture.

All fine so far.

The thing that I found interesting was that he used the letters CEO after his name and the brief description of him was all about his job and the very important responsibilities that he has. No mention of interests, values, family or anything else that may be important in defining what he is all about. I have to assume that he was at the gig in his own time and doing something that he enjoyed, but he dressed as a CEO might be expected to dress and the face he presented to others on social media at least was very work-centric. And it got me thinking that here was a person who had chosen to be defined by his job rather than anything else.

It reminded me of some of the conversations that my wife and I had experienced soon after her first diagnosis. She was so determined not to be defined by her illness. She wanted to be known for all of the other things in her life, the things that had value and meaning to her, rather than something that had sadly happened to her.

A few years ago someone we knew had been diagnosed with cancer and almost overnight seemed to have become defined by their illness. It appeared that they had allowed, or maybe been encouraged to allow, the illness to take over their life and become the one thing that they focused on and identified with. All conversations seemed to be about the illness and it felt like “my cancer” had almost become their mantra, possibly to the detriment of other, important things in their life.

Whilst you cannot fairly look at others and pass criticism on the way in which they chose to react to a massive, life-changing event, it was fascinating to see the difference. My wife wanted to live for other things. She has friends, work, family and interests in her life. She socialises and wants to chat with others about how they feel and what is going on with them. She has values that she wants to live up to and hopefully, one day, things that she would like to achieve.

And way, way down that list of what is important to her, is the fact that she suffers from an illness. An illness that she only wants to think about when she has to.

It can be difficult of course, and the balance is often a very delicate one and a real challenge to maintain at times. But we have both worked hard at ensuring that she is not defined by the illness she has had to cope with.

People choose to be defined by different things and that is their prerogative. It was my wife's choice not to live her life with a large, flashing neon sign over her head saying “cancer sufferer”. There are of course times when it can be taken too far and the desire to live for everything but her illness can cause its own problems. But from where I am sitting this has been a good thing and has hopefully contributed to her well being and sense of happiness in the last year or two, even if it has not always been obvious. So sensible choices and recognition of values are key when it comes to deciding how to live your life in difficult circumstances, especially if you want to be able to focus on the good things in your life.