Whistling As Loudly As You Can

This post will probably sound a little selfish.

I know almost before I have written anything that this has the potential to appear somewhat self-indulgent and inward looking. I suspect that many people who read this will consider passing judgement in some way. But maybe that is the point that I want to share.

Through this blog I am trying to record my thoughts and experiences around how to enjoy life when someone close to you is experiencing major, life-threatening health issues. Whether a year, month or week ago, it doesn’t go away and I suspect that anyone that has experienced cancer will say that it has been with them ever since. That is certainly the situation in my house. So almost by default, the focus is always on the patient, the survivor or the person doing their best to find a way around all of these obstacles.

It is almost impossible to challenge this view of the world.

However, I am going to give it a go.

The stress of living with someone that is ill, or has been ill, or may be ill again, is often overwhelming. It is rarely anyone’s fault. But is takes over everything and is always there in the room, no matter what you are doing or thinking.

Of course, it must be far worse to be the one suffering. But to deny the impact of what it does to family and friends is like placing your head very firmly in the sand and whistling as loudly as you can.

And it stands to reason that if you are looking to improve your quality of life and bring as much fun and laughter as you can into every day, then this needs to be taken into account. You are likely to fail with the latter if you are suffering from the former.

I think at this stage it is timely to point out that those living with cancer do not have a monopoly on ill health. Other people get ill as well.

Especially if you live in a stressful environment.

And have to hold down a full time job.

And often have to counsel and coach and just be there for people who are scared about their future.

Like partners of cancer patients.

It will probably come as no surprise to learn that I have not been well lately after an introduction like that. In fact, I have been warned by my doctors that I need to be sensible about how I live my life in future. If I want to have a long-term future, that is.

Not all of it is down to the environment I find myself living in, but some of it is.

And that is quite a crucial point.

When you get caught up in the habit of continually talking and thinking and worrying about someone else’s health, it’s easy to forget your own. I am no saint and I can assure you I think about other stuff regularly. But most people in similar circumstances probably do what I do far more often that they should.

If I don’t feel well, I compare it to the person alongside me and what they must be feeling. And I very quickly realise that it is insignificant by comparison and do nothing about it.

Or when my doctor says I need to take care of this or that, I compare it again and realise that, in the overall scheme of things, it just doesn’t really matter.

In fact, we all probably stop mentioning aches and pains and any fears we may have about our own health because you know that it’s unlikely to be anything as serious as cancer. You also know that you can be trumped and deeply embarrassed should any cancer patient decide to compare symptoms. A cruel thing to think (sorry) but I have witnessed such behaviour before (not at home) and for obvious reasons, the cancer sufferer always comes out on top.

Not that it's a competition of course.

But people around them keep quiet about their own health.

And here is something else that I have experienced.

Cancer patients operate at a higher level of anxiety that most of us. No great surprise of course. But should I go to see my doctor and explain where I am going then anxiety levels increase dramatically at home. She is disproportionately worried that something may be wrong. So there is an even bigger reason to either ignore or hide what may be going on so that I do not bring any more undue stress into her life.

So again, I keep quiet about my own health.

It’s a very logical and understandable situation and one that the cancer patient is unlikely to be able to change. They have enough on their collective plates for me to honestly think that they should be amending their behaviour to be kinder to others.

The key to this in my opinion rests firmly with me and every other partner or family member in a similar situation. Be understanding and supportive and as kind as you can to your loved one, but be the same to yourself as well. It’s crucial to ensuring that you don’t ignore your own health and vital if you want to keep a level of happiness going as well.

Thankfully I am not seriously ill. Everything can change of course, but hopefully this is just one of those things that happens as you get older. But I can totally understand why someone in a similar position to me might think about hiding their symptoms or diagnosis for the sake of someone else. My wife thinks that is what I am doing at the moment and sadly I can’t convince her otherwise.

That probably says as much about her as it does about me. But however you look at it, its not healthy.

http://briansphirstblog.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/sticking-with-it.html