I Wish I Could Have Handled It Differently

I have not written or posted here for a while. There is, of course, a reason for that.

There are times in life when you can do no right, no matter how hard you try. Sadly, the last few weeks have given me reason to think exactly that on a few occasions. There have been some good moments but things have also been difficult at times. I therefore want to try to get this down in writing as fairly as I can in order to help understand the situation and how best to deal with it.

I had better start by explaining that there have been more health issues over recent weeks. Thankfully not cancer, but other things that are proving to be debilitating. These are causing stress and concern as you would imagine and have involved a number of trips to doctors and hospitals. Unfortunately this has also caused the general mood in our lives to become more depressed and this is almost certainly the cause of our difficulties.

Despite some of my previous posts here, I fear that my wife is starting to become more defined by her poor health. The positivity that she has shown at times is becoming less and less frequent. In my opinion, and of course that is completely subjective, her default position is more often one of general unhappiness and disappointment with a lot of things around her. The main topic of conversation is mostly health related and she has become obsessed, again, with reading all she can on line about her latest illness.

I am conscious that this does not sound good and I want to be accurate in everything that I write. There are times when she appears fine. That's good. But it feels as if there are more times now when she does not seem to be fine. At times like this she can slip into a negative way of thinking about many things and I strongly suspect that this has become a habit and she is not even aware that it happens. Even though we have discussed it frequently, it continues. I suspect that I have also developed a habit in response. I hear the negativity and my automatic response is to find something positive to share and to highlight the negative comments I believe that I am hearing. This is rarely successful.

It is important for me to be clear at this stage. I do not have a great history of positive thinking myself. There have been many times when I have been told about this and it is rarely easy for me to accept. However, one of my methods of coping with the ongoing health issues of my wife has been to try to develop an air of positivity as much as possible and to consider a stoic view of life and the world around me. Whilst they are not exactly the same thing, I have found that it helps me to cope with the challenges that we have experienced over recent years. If someone is down or a situation does not go well then I try to find good things wherever I can.

Last week everything exploded. I have to take some of the blame for this. I wanted to raise my concerns, point out the negativity and to try to put a smile on her face. Of course, the stoic view of this is that I am unable to control anyone else's feelings and should simply look after my own. By interfering and pointing out what I was seeing I have offended and upset her. This was never my intention but it happened. When raised, the points were denied and were deflected back at me as is usual in situations like this. And it was done so with a lot of anger and emotion.

Yes, it is easy to upset someone when you are trying to highlight behaviours that you think they need to be aware of. It is also easy to upset someone when they are angry and unhappy with the world. In fact, as I have already written here, anything that I say or do at times will cause upset and anger. I accept that is the lot of living with someone who is ill and often vulnerable and scared. It doesn't make it easy though.

I wish I had handled it differently. I have pointed out the perceived negativity often but it rarely seems to be taken on board. I am now unsure of the best way to discuss my concerns and fears without causing offence. Maybe the best thing to do is nothing. But somehow that feels like a complete cop-out and also something that could fuel the fire when the anger next returns.

I suspect that a deterioration into a negative and unhappy way of looking at life is easy for people with long term illness. I also know that moaning about everything in life is what many perfectly healthy people do anyway. But it still feels like an issue that I need to find a way to help with.

The biggest challenge for me is how to let her know in a way that does not offend. It would appear that this is not something that I am very good at it.

There is no doubt that the situation has calmed a lot since last week. I would like to think that she is able to see and feel that this is not all about me being unfair and misunderstanding her. I am also aware that I am not the perfect partner and that my personality and choice of approach has often not helped. But it has put a strain on both of us and that is not good.

I think the last few weeks have been a little more about damage limitation rather than the search for happiness. It feels sad to type those words. As in all relationships, it is likely that both could do better in order to find a way to move forward. Hopefully we can.