They Say That We Are Sociable Creatures

It has been some time since I last visited this blog. It is over six months since I last posted and I think it is fair to say that for that amount of time to pass by I must have mentally pushed this to one side and probably tried to forget about it. Successfully it would seem. It is now time, I feel, to review why I felt the urge to stop and to see whether there is any value in picking this whole process up again.

So, what was my state of mind back in July of last year, when I last shared my thoughts on here? It was mixed, that's for sure. We had suffered a rocky patch, fully detailed in my post in early July, and I felt my wife had slipped into a negative way of living and thinking and I was finding the challenge of remaining positive, well, a challenge. We then moved rapidly to the idyllic state of a summer holiday hidden away in the Cornish countryside, which took us to another, more positive, level. And then, radio silence.

Thinking back, I suspect that I may have been finding it difficult to write anything new. Perhaps I realised that what I was actually describing was really just the ups and downs of a normal relationship. Because that's the way it looks to me now, reading my words back from last year. Certainly in the last few posts I see little of my original intention to find fun and happiness in the face of a life-threatening illness. Maybe it was all becoming just a little tired and boring.

So I stopped.

And since then?

Well, we have had more ups and downs. Like anyone else.

There have been health issues. Things are not generally bad, although we still live in a world where every little pain or illness becomes a nagging doubt, which is never going to be enjoyable but is completely understandable. Thankfully, there have been no major fears and all check-ups have been positive. The emotional side of things is where it remains difficult. Fears are often hidden and I am left to guess why a certain mood has changed or why smiles have been rare for a few days. I totally get it when she explains why, that she has been feeling an ache or pain and is worried about what it means, but often this only comes out when I have pushed too hard or have reminded her that I am not seeing much happiness around. I am still not very good at raising my concerns and it often has emotional consequences.

It is now almost three years since the chemotherapy ended. That's a great milestone and one to be proud of. There were significant fears at the time that we may not even get three months together after the treatment was completed, such was the seriousness of the situation. Any positivity however is often tinged by the fear that with each passing month it is surely just a matter of time before there is a recurrence. A negative emotion that needs to be dealt with but one that can be very difficult to ignore.

But these points aside, and in many ways this is the reason why I started this in the first place, there has been a lot of happiness as well. Thinking back, I can remember many times since last summer where we have laughed, had fun and just got out there and enjoyed life. That's got to be a good thing. I guess if anyone's over-riding view of their previous six months of living is one of enjoyment and happiness then they must be doing a lot of things right.

We have had plenty of days out, a couple of short holidays in the UK, and plenty of social events to keep us going. And thinking about it, maybe that short summary says a lot about why I have this positive feeling of happiness at the moment. Just going out and visiting places does a lot for the soul. We have just had a weekend away in Kent and came back earlier this week. Not glamorous at all. In fact, we stayed in a cheap bed and breakfast. We walked a lot. We visited places. We stopped at pubs. A lot of pubs. And we chatted with the owners of the B&B and had a really good laugh with them. We even went to the pub with them.

Our social life seems to have gone through the roof. We have really embraced our local social club (not particularly cool I know but who cares) and we have developed friendships with a whole bunch of people from the local area. Believe me, this is a good thing. Just taking some time to think about it as I type, I can remember literally dozens of nights out, visits to sporting events, restaurants and pubs (yes, I know there is a theme here) that have happened over recent months. And virtually all have been a bloody good laugh. In fact, my wife now goes out so regularly with her new friends that I have never had as much time at home on my own. Another good thing.

They say that we are sociable creatures. I don't feel in any position to disagree with that right now. Of course, there are different levels of socialising, but I suspect we have moved up a notch or two from where we previously were. Aside from the increased drinking which does have a downside, I may write more about this another time, I can see such a difference it is remarkable.

So maybe things really have changed.

Maybe it doesn't feel quite so boring and mundane sharing this as it felt last summer. Maybe this elusive happiness thing that I spent time seeking out over recent years has just got a little closer and I am seeing the difference that some of our lifestyle decisions have made. Wouldn't that be a thing if it were true?

And maybe me writing this down today and thinking it over has made me understand and appreciate some of the positives that we seem to be blessed with at the moment.

That's quite a lot of maybes to end a post with. Maybe that's also a good thing.

But more importantly, maybe it will encourage me to come back and write again.

We shall see.